Showing up

I want you guys to take a good look at yourselves and feel proud. We made it here. We’re here. What I’ve learned from you is that really one of the most important things in life is showing up. I’m blown away by your ability to show up through everything that’s gone on. The league never wanted you to play this game, but you showed up. But, uh, we only have eight players so, we can’t play.

Keaneau Reeves, Hardball

When I was a kid and saw the movie Hardball I thought the above quote was ridiculous. Showing up did not get the kids anywhere on that day, and if they didn’t play their very best to try and win the game after getting to the field, they certainly weren’t going to the ‘ship. To be fair, the quote was meant to be funny, but my thoughts also clearly reflected that I led a fairly privileged childhood. I privileged in that I came from a family that could afford to help me get where I needed to be, privileged to not be discriminated against when I wanted to be able to participate, but also privileged to be strong willed enough that if I wanted something, I always found a way to make it happen.

I have since learned how lucky I was to feel that way. Sometimes I am left out as an oversight. Sometimes I’m intentionally left out of an activity. Sometimes, though, I have everything I need to succeed in front of me and the hardest thing to do is muster up the will to start. I feel this way right now about my blogging. Less than 1 week in and I find it hard to think about what to say, and frustrated that these posts aren’t as amazing as I think they could be in my head. I don’t actually see any change in myself or my days and find it hard to sit and write.

At the same time, I remember that I started blogging for a reason. I started because I wanted to get better at listening to myself. I wanted to start feeling more comfortable voicing my opinion. I wanted to try to build a habit around something other than work. While I don’t think it’s actually a good idea to make a habit out of a thing I don’t particularly enjoy, I usually tell myself to stick it out for 6 weeks to see how I feel. If after 6 weeks the thing feels like second nature and I can’t live without it, then habit formed and all is good. If after 6 weeks I find I can leave what I’m doing and not regret it, then at least I really tried. About 1 week in I’m not sure if I will make blogging a habit. I can say though that I’m not done showing up.